Keep on Knitting

May has been a month full of ups and downs.  The only thing that has been consistent is knitting.  And it has totally kept me sane.

 

I made this Silk Garden Beanie with some of the yarn I bought in Mendocino.  I thought it would fit my head -- but I forget I have a gigantic one.  The yarn is Noro Silk Garden

 and although I'm not a big Noro fan this stuff is super soft.  It will make a good gift for someone with a small head.

 

My mother has been asking for a long cowl that she can wrap for a long, long time.  I used some more yarn I bought on my trip to Mendocino.  It's super thick and the colors are good for springtime.   I used the Backseat Passenger pattern and it was a pretty quick knit.

 

Finally, I tried my hand at the elusive Baby Surprise Jacket.  I've heard about this jacket over the years from my fellow knitters.  It had that mysterious air of a tough pattern.  My cousin Melissa went to the library and mailed me a copy of the pattern.  It was first published in the 1960's and I wouldn't even call it a "pattern"...more like a general direction on what to do.

 

For a relatively inexperienced knitter this drove me a little nutty.  I emailed Melissa several times for clarity.  And each time she sent me back the easiest set of instructions.  So easy, in fact, I felt like an idiot for not being able to figure it out myself.  But I will be forever in her debt for all her help!

 

First, I bought some sock yarn:

 

Then I spent over a month trying to get everything just right:

 

And, finally, I sewed on the buttons.

 

It's called the Baby Surprise Jacket because when you are knitting it, it looks like the odd shaped flat piece of knitting.  In fact, the entire time I was thinking, "Oh God, this is never going to turn into a sweater."  But, voila, you match things up and put in a seam or two and it turns into this cute little infant jacket.  Elizabeth Zimmerman is a genius!

 

My next projects will be more knitted jewelry -- I'm looking for instant gratification.

Compassion

I'm feeling so compelled to write lately.

It must be because things are out of whack, estranged, and somewhat off kilter.  I thought I was a person who knew how to give.  In fact, I even got a degree in giving, also known as Social Work.  Everything I have ever known about giving comes from a place of deep commitment to doing for others.  It has never had to be mixed with any other sorts of baggage or conflict.

And so as I deal with the slow decline of a loved one who is resistant at every level I am learning how to give in a space filled with hostility and doubt.  I give while listening to complaints and conspiracy theories.  My patience is being tested at every step.

My husband and I are knee deep in the "uncomfort zone".  We are torn between doing what is right -- what we know is right -- and just turning a blind eye like we have done for so many years.  We cannot turn away anymore.  We have to face it even when it comes with demands and confrontations and bad decisions.  And we have to be consistent in the face of denial.

Example:  our loved one does not want to pay for the care she desperately needs for day-to-day tasks.  But she will continue to spend money on purchases that are frivolous. When I saw her today I realized instantly she hadn't showered in days. I couldn't, in good conscious, pretend like it wasn't an issue.

So after lunch I made my family wait outside while I showered her and dressed her.  And as she was protesting the costs of care I was struck with the reality of her disability.  She cannot shower herself.  It's not safe.  And so from a place of compassion I must step in and help.  There is no one else.  Not even her own children have the capacity to help in this way.

Her children are all grieving the loss of their capable mother in their own (mostly selfish) ways.  They are angry and sad and lost after years of trying to give help in unsuccessful ways.  So they say unkind things and then apologize.  Help out for a day and then return to their lives.  Call and pretend that things will all be okay.

What keeps me going is to remember how I would care for my own mother.  How I would want someone to care for me.  And that is the place of compassion that I try to lead from.  And I give gentle nudges and direction to her children to stay in a place of compassion. 

And so I'm writing now to release all my tension and frustration. 

Bear with me.

A Few Months of Reading

I have stacks and stacks of books on my nightstand.  Yet I still borrow books like there is no tomorrow.

Here are a few of the novels I've read in the last few months:

 

Midwives by Chris Bohjalian

This book came highly recommended to me and it does not disappoint.  I think I finished it in under a week.  It is the story of a midwife who has a client die during childbirth.  It is a bit of a coming-of-age novel mixed with a good dose of drama.

 

Verdict:  Three stars

 

White Teeth by Zadie Smith

This book came to me from my dear friend Romny.  I must have pilfered five books from her house on my last trip there.  I had such a hard time getting into this book.  I read it over the course of several months.  I wasn't completely enthralled until the last fourth of the book.  It is the story of three generations and is a compelling narrative on immigrants in England.  In the end I appreciated the grittiness and truth that the writer evokes from the lives of the characters.

 

Verdict:  Two stars

 

The Girls by Lori Lansens

This story of conjoined twins is enthralling from the moment you read the first paragraph.  I sped through this book in a matter of days.  It is a touching tribute to the lives of two girls who are anything but ordinary.

 

Verdict: Three stars

 

City of Thieves by David Benioff

I'm currently reading this book and so far it has kept me turning the pages!

So...what are you currently reading?

Bad Things and Good Things

February and March have turned out to be pretty somber months in our house.  My mother-in-law is very sick and we had to put her into an Assisted Living Facility.  It has really taken a toll on the entire family.  And we are not through the woods yet.

Of course there is always a bit of a silver lining in times like these.  My adoration of my husband has grown immensely.  I really can't put into words how much closer we are and how proud of him I have been. 

And despite all the upheaval and stress there have been some good memories.  Like our trip to the North Coast.

 

 

I bought some yarn at this great little yarn shop in Mendocino.  And it helped me get inspiration to finish a few projects. 

 

Like this tiny vest for my nephew who is due in May.

 

 

 

And this really funny looking sock that is about a foot larger than it should be.  I need to finish the other one now.  This is why I hate making things that are pairs.  

 

 

And I finally got around to wedding my garden bed and planting a few new things.  This is a terrible picture but I have some gardenia, azalea, lavender, lambs ears, tomatoes and tulips in here.  Quite an eclectic mix!  I'm testing out what will sustain in this finicky little bed.

 

 

And of course there has been baking.  I don't eat most of what I bake because I haven't figured out how to do gluten-free baking that doesn't taste like a box of rocks.  But other people have been receiving the fruits of my labor.

 

 

 

I'm not sure what the next few months holds for us.  Probably a lot more on our plates then we expected.  If I've learned anything of late it's that life comes full circle.  And I hope that we are teaching our kids the importance of taking care of their parents.  Even when it's the last thing you can fit into your schedule.



 



Hello Again

I've been busy lately doing nothing.  Nothing of real consequence anyway.

I have a huge entrance exam next week.  I'm both terrified and thrilled.  Forcing myself to study has been painful to say the least.  But I keep looking back on the statistics for those who get selected into the nursing program and realize that I've got to keep pushing.

In other news I got a new tattoo. 

This was a photo from the day of.  It was as painful as it looks.  But I love it.  The tree represents my Grandmother and the eight roots are her eight children.  And the branches represent what has sprung forth.  It feels a bit unfinished -- he wanted to do more and we both agreed it needed more.  But frankly after two hours I was ready for it to be over.

I've been knitting a little bit as well.  These i-cord necklaces are so easy to make.  I added some leather and studs to give a bit more rock 'n roll feel.

 

 

I'm trying my hand at a pair of socks next.  Since I am now at a point in my knitting journey that I should just stop pretending I'm a novice.  And socks should not intimidate me. (!)

 

And that's what's up.

 

A Few Leftovers from Christmas

I had a short list of things I wanted to make for Christmas gifts this year.  I've learned to focus on just a few things to accomplish.

 

My first project were these "Camp Out Fingerless Mitts".  My mom asked for fingerless gloves for Christmas.  Her favorite color is purple and I found this yummy Madeline Tosh yarn that was perfect.  I found the pattern here.

 

 

Months ago I pinned these dip-dyed scarves on Pinterest.  Good ol' Martha inspired me to purchase some soft cotton scarves and Rit dye.  These were super easy.  I made an extra one for myself.  I think I might use it as a head scarf this summer.

 

 

For my kids' teachers I wanted to do something simple.  Again, I pinned this project on Pinterest from the blog Supreme Courtney.  I was on the lookout for nail polish in just the right colors.  I struck gold at Nordstrom Rack and found OPI on sale. 



 

 

 

Like the next person I like receiving as well as giving.  My mom bought me this book for Christmas.  I want to make the brown/black hat next.  

 

My girlfriend from Alaska made me this scarf for Christmas.  She started her own knitting side business and has been raking in the money up in Alaska.  I miss her sooo much!!

 

 

Hope you all had good holidays.  I have to spend the month of January studying for the TEAS test to apply for nursing school in March.  So not much knitting will be going on in the next several weeks.  Wish me luck!



Heartfelt Facial Raindrops

"I'm sorry for the heartfelt facial raindrops."

That's what my Dad emailed me the other afternoon shortly after we met for breakfast.

He has always been an extraordinarily sensitive man.

That morning as we exchanged gifts and when we were about to depart he started to cry and whispered in my ear, "I miss when you were little."

And there it was like a lightning bolt into this mother's heart.  The truth bringing everything into focus.

I've been struggling how to wrap my mind around what happened last week to all those little children.  Those kids were my kids' age.  They went off to elementary school that day just like mine did.  They sat wide-eyed at their teacher just like mine did. 

Those could have been my kids.

The older my children get the tighter I want to hold on.  I know the time is precious and fleeting. I want to know what they are thinking about.  I want to know what they dream about.  I want to provide that safe place like I did when they were babies and all they saw each day was me.

Yesterday I lay with my almost eight-year-old and we talked about the day.  I didn't rush him off to bed.  I didn't shut down his ramblings like I sometimes do.

And he confided in me that he had a fight with his best friend.  And how he is worried that they are growing apart and they don't play together much anymore.  Painful things to go through at that age.

So we talked about how friendships change.  And how we meet some people along the way that we know we will hold tight to for the rest of our lives.  Then there are others that come in and out of  your life -- sometimes for a special reason.

When he went to bed I reminded myself I have to sit and listen as much as I teach and talk.  Because one day I will be in my Dad's shoes watching the "littleness" disappear.